“I wish I could go
back to those fairy book tales, forget the real world awhile and seek the seas
of the talking whales… A place of wishing wells and magic spells….”
That’s a line from the song, Wishing Wells, by my most favorite OPM band of all time, Eraserheads. Perhaps one of the best things this Enhanced Community Quarantine brought is the surge of charity—be it in time, treasure or talent. And somehow, this ECQ really gave us an opportunity to go back to those fairy book tales in our 90s Filipino childhood and forget the real world awhile through the limited viewing of Huling El Bimbo, The Musical.
For those whose childhood was in the 90s, this was actually a happy nostalgic trip. I was one of those people who was beaming with happiness when this was given for free online to watch last May 8-9, 2020. I grew up listening to Eraserheads with my 3 brothers, and cousins. I remember cassette tapes of Ultraelectromagnetic Pop, Circus, Cutterpillow, StickerHappy, etc, putting those tapes in our players, and singing to every lyric of every song. There was a time when the Eheads were rumored to be demonic, because once their tapes are played backwards, you would hear devilish curses, etc. My dad was not happy but we thrived on, as it was part of our childhood. And I was thinking, who, in their right minds would play the tapes backwards anyway?
So, you can just imagine my excitement and happiness when the songs of the Eheads were used in this musical. It came to life with vibrant storytelling, stage design, costumes (baggy pants and shirts), college dorms, and the music---- I relate to each and every one of them as they creatively injected the songs in ways that can be associated well to the story. And the story is about Joy and her 3 friends, who brought to life the 90s youthful idealism, where dreaming is okay and friendships were solid, where a carenderia can be a rendezvous and a second home.
Joy was associated with 3 other characters but I was drawn to her friendship with her Kuya Emman, who treated her like a young sister, and pinkie-promised to never leave her side.
The joys of friendship: “Minsan, tayo ay naging tunay na magkaibigan…”
and promises…”Huwag kang matakot, dahil andito lang ako sa iyong tabi…di kita pababayaan kailan man”
But like most tragedies, people outgrow each other, and some choices involve people leaving other people. This musical for me, was not just a coming of age, but the loss of innocence and its resurgence. When life gets the best out of us, how do we respond? When we fail and we have fallen down a bottomless pit, will someone save us? Who do we turn to when everyone else has left for us to tend on our own?
I lost my innocence and idealism at a young age. It’s a whole, different story, and a long one. But it did change a big part of me. I was idealistic, and hopeful. But all of that changed in one instant. Suddenly, I felt like there was no one else I can depend on but myself. I filled my cup with as much at it could possibly hold. Like a little girl standing in line at a chocolate fountain, I craved control control over the things that brought flavor but did not bring any meaning and are detrimental to my health. I held my cup of feelings tightly to make sure that everything will go in and will not go out. I was self-sufficient; I can fill my own cup. And the thing with self-sufficiency is you think you are strong, but in fact, it’s all a façade of some respect or love for yourself that you have lost elsewhere.
I was surrounded with loss and I felt like everyone had abandoned me. I said Yes to whatever came my way because if I said yes, that means more control over something. And no one can hurt me. And so, while appearing happy and strong, I was really feeling empty and alone. I wanted to please everyone without minding what refreshes my soul and what would give me joy. But things have a way of catching up to us, and after trying to add and control so many things, my cup became so full that it slipped right out of my hands. Suddenly, I lost control and everything I’ve been holding on—all the broken pieces, the anger, bitterness, pain, disappointment towards myself, drenched me in an unrecognizable, foul odor. Everything was out of my hands.
And so I was forced to stop and take a look at myself and a serious look at my drenched mess. It was the same self I’ve been protecting for so long, the same self that I have loathed and taken for granted all these years. And I cried. And for the first time in a long while, I prayed SINCERELY to God. I told Him that I am a mess; that I don’t know anymore what to do and that I need Him to guide me.
And true enough, little by little, I get to rediscover myself through the people surrounding me, my every day reflections, my every day prayers, and taking a look at my blessings. I had to let go and surrender my cup to Him. I let God step in my life. And you know what, it’s a different kind of feeling when you surrender all your worries to someone who is so much bigger than your sins, and your failings and your broken past. I am loved and I was never abandoned. When I look at my past, I try not to look at how I failed it but on the many times I have gotten up and thrived on. And that wasn’t on my own doings alone, but God has always been there, picking up my broken pieces and gluing me back together—without me knowing it.
By His grace, God showed me that if I wanted to find true
satisfaction I had to let go of my cup – let the water fall on the floor – so
that I could be refilled with something better-- His Holy Living Water (John 4:14). You see, our innocence will not be there forever
and we may have lost it tragically but, our God of pure love and mercy restores
our innocence, and replaces it with something better---awareness of His
presence and love.
And God refreshes me every day with His love for me. He shows
it uniquely in every moment—from the birds that wake me up at 5am, to the
opportunity of taking care of my parents and family who are still here, in
friends who chat at the time I needed some reassurance, inspirational resources
I find in books, in the Bible, in musicals such as these.
So you see, this musical for me, is not just a revisit to
nostalgia, but a revisiting of myself. It takes time before I fully can embrace
myself but I am a work in progress. And I know my God is doing what He thinks
is the best for me. I also realized that people may hurt us or abandon us, and
that promises may be broken, but if we bring our broken pieces to God, He will
make things beautiful in His time. Just like Emman and Joy, whose pinkie
promise was fulfilled through Ligaya, our broken hearts, and our wounds can
eventually heal in time; our sorrow will be turned into joy and our sufferings
into blessings. We just have to trust that God only wants the best for us, let’s
wait and see what God has in store for us in our future.
Prayer for us today by Cindy McMenamin (When a Woman Overcomes Life’s Hurts):
Lord God, I bring you my brokenness and lay it at your feet.
This is not what I expected or wanted in my life
But I realize it’s not my life to control and direct
You are the potter and I am a lump of marred and wounded clay.
You have your reasons and your design and purposes in mind.
Although I don’t understand what those reasons are, I trust that YOU do and
That you will work this wound into SOMETHING WONDERFUL in my life.
I don’t yet understand the purpose that can come from this pain, but I know
You are a God who will do as you please, and it pleases you to make me more like your son.
I WILL TRUST THE PROCESS and I WILL TRUST YOU.
Amen.
**
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